In the Grips of Culture Shock

When I first moved to the U.S., I remember taking an invaluable class is cross-cultural communication, and part of the course involved studying concepts such as culture shock and the processes behind it. I thought I would share some of the titbits that I found helpful, and which I figure have helped Adam in someway... However, first imagine that I’m layering this post with tons of caveats on the lack of accurate scientific and philosophical references to these theories, cause I don’t remember them from the class. Ready? Ok!

One of the things about culture shock, is that it takes about six months just to settle in. You think it’s happening within the first two weeks, but it’s not. Initially things seem new and exciting, and most of us have love-hate moments, but all in all we just try to fit in and are more or less like flies on the wall – observing. But further into the experience, which comes from actually living (and not just travelling) in a new country, is when we have to confront the difference in our value systems, norms, and behaviour. It almost seems like an ‘us’ versus ‘them’ situation, and this is when it’s most challenging. At this phase we also tend of romanticise and think highly of things that we left behind compared to the situation we are in. However, if we can persevere through this phase, the experience gets a lot better, and we sorta become hybrids. We take on new norms that we value and discard those that we don’t from the new culture, and merge it with those we already have. It’s a really neat process...like the emergence of a new you, a little bit of this and that...which did not exist before – Indian yes-no head bobble with the American accent! I feel that the person going through it becomes more open, tolerant, and really starts to enjoy their experiences in the not-so-new culture. This goes on until you come across the next challenge in terms of values, and then you somehow make your peace and move on and on and on.

The other really neat concept in terms of communication was the difference between (stereotypically) Asians and Americans. Here is a diagram to illustrate with an explanation following it.



The explanation through an example is as follows (again, based on how I remember it). When an Asian meets an American, the American seems really open, gregarious, and willing to share pretty much every detail of their life, such as their boyfriends, parents being divorced, number of shots they had last night before getting blitzed, etc. They might even suggest to the Asian that they should come over to their house some time for dinner or a party, etc. Details that seem very personal to the Asian and which they would share only with the closest of their friends. However, to the American this is the norm and it doesn’t signify a close friendship. In fact, they might see the Asian the next day and not even say hello. As you can imagine this can seem very confusing to the Asian, who cannot seem to understand what it all means. So to tie the diagram in, the American has a more porous outer circle, however, their inner circle is tight knit. So you might know random facts about them, but it doesn’t necessarily signify a close relationship.

Now, the reverse happens to the Asian. The outer circle is the harder one to crack. So when you first meet them they might seem quiet and disinterested to the American – not sharing many details and the conversion might just not add up to much. However, once you crack this circle you are golden, and are really a part of the inner circle. This is when an invitation home is personal, and it means you are really part of the tribe.

So while this concept stereotypes beyond each individuals personality, it’s a good measuring stick when you are in a new culture and things are confounding. Needless to say both sides take time to really establish close relations with each other; initial interactions can sometimes seem misleading.

I feel like I initially started off like the Asian when I first got the U.S., and I’ve migrated a bit towards the American paradigm, but in general seem reserved when I meet someone new. I’ve noticed the same with the interactions when Adam and my father met. I remember asking my father why he was so reserved and quiet. He mentioned not knowing what to say, and also not knowing how open he could be with his viewpoints or thoughts. Adam would wonder why my dad seemed distant and disinterested while he openly talked about politics or sports. With the opportunity to spend more time together, I feel their relationship has grown to open discussions, jokes, and looking out for each other....but I don’t think it’ll ever take the garb of an pure American or Asian son-in-law and father-in-law relationship....it’s hybrid, and each will have to make peace with that and move on.

So anyways....those are my insights that seemed to help me out....and it might be interesting to some of you...would love to hear back on what you think....especially if you have any feedback that is scathing or nice ;)